Dear Eyebrow lady,

I put up with the pain and inconvenience of you slathering hot wax on my face and ripping it off with a piece of fabric so that I can avoid the pain of tweezing which is a million times worse.  You ripping individual hairs one by one OUT OF MY FACE is not my idea of a pleasant experience regardless of how smooth I want my M.A.C brow highlights to look.  Please get them all the first time.  Appreciate it.

Dear Costco,

I was not at all impressed with your selection of free samples today.  Since I didn’t find what I was looking for, the least you could have done was provide satisfactory snackage. Now I’ll actually have to go and buy myself lunch. Try again.

Dear  Chinese Restaurant in Newport News,

You gave me food poisoning. Really?! 

Dear Body,

 I realize that we ate some bad sushi Saturday afternoon but it would have been more considerate of you to wake me up at say around 7ish instead of 1:15 am to tell me about it. Also, since you felt it necessary to air your grievances in the wee hours of the morning, it seems to me that it would have been more efficient to just heave it all up at the same time.  Why put off till 2:30 what you can do now?  That’s an hour and fifteen minutes worth of lost sleep.  Furthermore, I thought we were done after that second urgent episode at 2:30 so I don’t understand what prompted the third spine wrenching occurrence some hours later.  As you can see, there is nothing left in my stomach.  You’re probably dehydrated and not thinking straight. Have some water. Let’s move on.

 Dear Toilet Bowl seat,

I hadn’t realized just how heavy you were until that second time I had to stick my head in the toilet. I thought I’d lifted you all the way up but I hadn’t and you came crashing down onto the bridge of my nose. Nice.  Shame there wasn’t a camera there recording. Though probably not grand prize quality, that footage could possibly have been enough to make Tom Bergeron chuckle. BTW, my nose still hurts three days later and I’ll be looking for a replacement for you at Wally World first chance I get. Best Regards!

Dear random Lady in the Food Lion parking lot,

I’m sure I looked all kinds of crazy when you spotted me hanging halfway out of the car door. I was on my way in to grab a box of saltines and unexpectantly proved my own theory from 5 minutes ago incorrect; you can throw up water. Noted.  In any case, thanks for asking.